7:43 PM
Christmas soon.
I've been doing hw... slowly.
Updated the black blog, but I'm too lazy to update this one atm,lol.
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treasure them
8:26 PM
Yesterday, I went with carina, aloysius, debbie, wendy and wendy's friend(I forgot the name -.- stm) to the carnival at aloysius' old school. It was pretty fun. But $5 an hour to sit is a tad ridiculous XD
Anyways, towards the end, peggy found a henna booth and she did her hands. It was pretty. I did my hands too. It wasn't really a desire the prettify the hand but to stain it. To stain myself, more than anything. perhaps it was to reflect the stained heart I have. Perhaps I just wanted to let the colour run deep into blood and into my soul and stain that, too. I'm not sure.
What I do know was that I wanted to stain myself in a pretty way. It wasn't really about beauty, but in the end I found myself mesmerised by the intricate patterns, the hand drawn detail. Every move made my skin just a little darker, just a little more beautiful. Even as the colour stains my hand, it beautifies it.
I thought of how people are usually attracted to the darkness. A friend of mine once said, "Darkness.. Well darkness is spectacular. Unlike light, darkness is unexpected, inexperienced, oblivious, unconventional, adventurous and blind. You can never see whats coming and if something goes it would be close to impossible to notice it. Love. Well love is exciting, exhilerating and exquisite in the dark. Because you cant see the impurities, the mistakes. Its blindly imperfect and that makes it breath taking." I think I've always kind of agreed with her, drawn by the irresistable appeal of the darkness.
Maybe.
On a brighter note, we played 'I never' again. Everyone was trying to shoot aloysius and he was trying to shoot all of us since we were all girls. and then we played truth or dare and Carina said something XD
Nobody really shoots me, lol. Aloysius said it's not fun because I've never liked anyone seriously. Lol. Still, it's fun to hear things. It creates a bond. Because you know something secret, something intimate, a lot more trust cann be developed. In my opinion anyway.
By the way, Happy early birthday, Debbie and Gets^^
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6:35 PM
Had tuition today. It was okay. Tiring, though. *sighs* After tuition, Carina, Aloysius and I talked folr a bit. Turns out that Aloysius can try to predict some of our classmates's futures( a lot of comedy added). Who knows if it's real? But it is pretty funny. Now I get why Debbie says that Aloysius is so funny. His imagination is prettty good, especially the one about Justin blackmailing Carina.
I'm tired, so I'll leave it at this. Should probably get studying now... but i'll take a short break first.
PROMOS:(
I can feel the nervousness getting to me already, swallowing me whole.
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7:55 PM
School is so boring without wendy><
Actually, it's boring even when wendy is there. -.- But it's less boring. And definitely more productive^^' Still, the past few days have been okay. Wendy says she's feeling better, which is great^^
We're both not going to school tomorrow. I have a horrioble headache anyway, and adding them to the stomachaches... it's just been unbearable. I wind up with a headache after every single day of school. It's that bad. I know I shouldn't complain.
Anyway, flipping my mind back to thhe memories I had yesterday. That's much bettter. Yesterday there was this SAF acapella(sp? I forgot-.-) group. They were pretty good! The beatboxing(is this how we spell it?) was kinda cool too. Lol. I bet more people wish they were medically unfit now.
About my blog posts,I realise I've drifted towards letting my internal monologue take over. Gets says it's nice. Btw, thank you, gets! But still, aren't I supposed to talk about stuff like what happened in my life? I wonder. Somehow I feel llike i'mm baring my soul, like blogging peels off a layer of myself and reveals whnat's inside. (think a banana)
I'm curious about my chinese marks,lol.
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6:32 PM
Wendy was telling me that she got accepted into the law thing. Probably because of her GP marks.^^ On the bus ride home, my mind drifted to the type of occupation I would like to have in the future.
Psychology, perhaps. Journalism? Business, if I found something particularly interesting. Law? Most of all, I know I would want to write on the side. It'd be my dream- It has always been my dream, as far as I can remember. The actual occupation is mainly a detail, something I know I need but in the end, something I don't really care about.
We all have our dreams. I guess one could say that they are the meaning in life... being what we live for. Just a single taste of that success is enough. A dream is a dream after all- there is a reason why it's not reality.
But somehow I feel that while I keep studying, a little part of my dream dies. Is this the price of success? "I don't want it!", I'd like to say. But I can't. We've all been brought up a certain way. To Singaporeans,success is important. But as I study, I feel myself growing more and more distant to the English language, despite learning in English. I feel myself regressing. I hate to admit it, but I'm just not as proficient.
I'd want to write, really. Stability is important, though. The question is, which is more important? I told myself that coming to a JC was for my writing, to improve. So why am I putting in effort when it is going contrary to my dreaam? It's so confusing. This confusion tightens it's grip minute by miniute,, and somehow I suspect I'm studying out of habit now, because I've always done it, will always do it.
Most importantly, because it's SAFE. Every minute, the voice of my dream is calling out in a brighter voice, but it's dulled by the confusion, the fear of failure and the need for safety which results in a darkness blacker than any night, filled by black ink even as the voice of my dream goes brighter, forevver overpowering it.
That's why I can't retain, have to get out of this place fast enough to preserve the clarity in the brightness of the dream within my heart.
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treasure them
8:26 PM
A thousand metal stars guide me homeward.
Suspended above me, ever so high.
Lingering in my memory afterwards.
To their light I reluctantly say goodbye
as I turn away,
Unable to escape Darkness' reach.
My feet rush to find a way,
Like cockroaches at the flick of a light switch.
A little more before I am home.
Not a sound in this night!
Not a single flash of light!
But still I fight
To get home in this night.
Walking, walking,
Stepping out of the darkness slowly.
The angelic halos of the metal stars shine brightly,
So I continue my journey silently.
I'd climb a dozen mountains,
Fall a dozen times,
Cross a dozen oceans I
If I had to
(But it's lucky that I don't)
Because I'm already at the door,
Where acceptance kisses loneliness,
Take off my shoes, step on the floor .
Simple pleasures fill me with happiness.
This is my home.
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treasure them
5:34 PM
I feel not-yet-17.
Like at some moment, I'll burst out of my cocoon and become a butterfly. Suddenly older. Better. But I guess I won't grow up in a day. I guess we're all meannt to grow up gradually, like the ripening of fruits.
Still, birthdays are always magical to me. Because it's a day I celebrate my own existence. Because it's a day my friends remember. Birthdays are a kind of transition, a kind of reminiscence about what happened in your past year. When you bite into the cake, you taste the sugary promise of a beautiful future.
It's not just a day to eat cake and have fun, although that's what people do. We're growing older by the second, but this is only acknowledged during our birthdays. It's not portrayed as something bad, well, hardly ever(Although AnnMeliss reminded me that I'm one step closer to the grave-.-)I think it's nice to have such a day- a day to remember that we're growing up, becoming all that we can be.
It's nice to have presents, but it's equally nice to have a birthday sms. Both are acknowledgements of my existence, both are a sign of care, so THANK YOU! to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You help put the magic into this day.
Sometimes I wish I was back in secondary school, back in the past, because things were SO much easier. I wouldn't trade my experiences this year for anything in the world, though.
So like a budding flower, I will continue to blossom until the day until the day I am ready to be picked. Because really, is that not what flowers live for? To shine, if only for a moment. To have their own glory before withering away. Living just long enough to be appreciated, and having their scent linger long after they are gone.
Have a happy holiday today^^
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